Yesterday I was Pregnant, Today I'm Not

​Last week I renewed my membership to a club no mom wants to be a part of. A club without a trial period, or cancellation policy.

I am 1 in 4, times 2. 

We were told it would be damn near impossible for me to get pregnant without treatment so when 3 positive pregnancy tests were sitting on the counter in front of us, we knew we had somehow defied the odds, but the day before our first ultrasound to see the miracle that had somehow found a way without hormone pills or injections, I started spotting. I spent the morning crying & trying to convince myself that it was okay. Spotting is normal. Spotting happens is 20% of all pregnancies. Spotting is okay. 

“I’m just going to take a quick peek alone first.”

But that 'quick peek' turned into an entire ultrasound with a blank TV screen. The small flicker of hope I did manage to wrangle earlier that morning, had been completely snuffed out. The trap door had been opened & all hope slid into the abyss. 

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Missed Miscarriage; when your body fails to recognize that your little burrito was not destined to be Earth Side. It’s also called a silent miscarriage because there are no symptoms that anything has gone wrong. Some women experience a decrease in pregnancy symptoms, but generally speaking, there aren't any indications the embryo has gained their angel wings until your at an OBGYN's office for an ultrasound or fetal doppler. 

A Missed Miscarriage can be especially dangerous because it can lead to infection as the embryo decays. There are medications like Misoprostol to induce labor & force your body to deliver, but they are only successful 30% of the time, & when you are dealing with a miscarriage that is already several weeks old the risk increases dramatically for the mother the longer you wait. So another D & C was scheduled. My third. 

For anyone who followed our journey through infertility & the birth of my daughter, you know I've had two previous D&C's. I was no stranger to what was going to happen, or how I was going to feel over the next few days. What I wasn't prepared for was the overwhelming feeling of jealousy. 

We have a beautiful, smart, & compassionate little girl that I love endlessly, but I'm angry. Angry that everyone, EVERYONE, who was pregnant with me during Shelby's pregnancy, is pregnant again. Every pregnancy or birth announcement is like getting a full-force bitch slap to the face.  I'm angry that we're here again, in the same spot we stood about 4 years ago when we were trying to conceive the first time. I knew there was always a chance it could happen again, but I wanted desperately to believe it wouldn't. 

I am trying to be a good friend. I am checking in with all my beautiful pregnant friends & sending them so many thoughts of goodwill & positivity. I'm trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason, & so I am so sorry if I've come off as cold or uncaring. I honestly, truthfully don't mean to. I'm just a little sad. 

Obviously, this wound is still fresh. I am still very much sorting through my feelings & dealing with this situation in the best way I can. I'm painting, writing, snuggling with my mini-me, & just taking it day by day. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if we will try again, or not. I just don't know.   

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