My mom texted all us kids asking what we wanted to do for Mother's day, "it's your day mom, what do YOU want to do?"
A few hours later I was getting ready for bed and the tears started flowing, fast and furious. I would have been a mother just in time for Mother's day this year.
I haven't created any new rivers or lakes lately, with tears spilled over my miscarriage, so I was a little caught off guard by the flood of emotions that had unexpectedly capsized my tiny life boat. Probably doesn't help that I just recently had my first menses cycle since I found out I was pregnant. Hormones, they're lovely.
Don't get me wrong, I may not be shedding many tears now and days, but I still think about it often. Every time I'm in the store and pass by an adorable baby outfit, or when friends post pictures of their little munchkins doing something silly or achieving a milestone. It feels more like a pin prick now rather than a knife to the jugular, but remembering, or rather realizing, that this Mother's day isn't what it could have been, well, it's saddening.
I don't know if suffering a miscarriage is something you ever get over. I know each of us experience loss in different ways and the fact that my miscarriage happened after the first trimester and was drawn out for 6 months, makes the "getting over it" process that much harder. My due date was May 5th and I just recently was cleared of all remaining tissue. My HCG level just recently dropped below 5. It was a long process that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Not only is it physically draining, but emotionally as well.
Thankfully, I am blessed with an amazing family and an even more amazing husband. Instead of creating a rift between the two of us, this experience has only brought us closer together. His encouragement and support has meant the world to me. He has never been brash or hurtful, never told me to "just let it go" or "get over it." He's never gotten angry at me for my unexpected mood swings or lashed out at me in frustration for my inability to give him a child. He's made this experience one that we've gone through together, a team effort. He's come to every appointment, even if it's just a check-up. Asked about test results and told me "it's okay" even when the news hasn't been good.
They say the first few years of marriage are the hardest. I agree, but not for the reasons some might expect. Moving from engaged to married didn't impact our relationship too much, but getting pregnant after trying for over a year only to lose the baby at 13 weeks, was one of the most difficult things we've experienced as a couple. Thankfully, we band together instead of against each other. If I had to go through this all over again, there isn't anyone else I would rather have by my side.
So, on this Mother's day I'll cherish my marriage and concentrate on the positive things in my life. I'm also going to make my angel baby a permanent piece of art that I'll carry everywhere with me. A tattoo to remember, to heal and to never forget what this experience has taught me. I'll shed more tears and I won't hold back my fears or sorrows. I'll embrace the experience and hope that one day we'll be blessed with another little angel that I'll love and cherish just that much more.
Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mothers out there.