"You're house doesn't seem that small because you don't have any..."
My husband I were off this past weekend, not only for the holiday, but also for a few days beforehand. It was a much needed weekend to just spend time together and relax. We visited Watkins Glen State Park, shared a few nice meals out, spent some time down at "The Land" and visited a local carnival by the Waterfront. We also cleaned up the yard, planted spring flowers, and my husbands favorite chore, mowed the grass. All in all it was a pretty awesome weekend with very few downfalls. There were a few fleeting moments that I'm not even sure my husband was aware of.
Men, blissfully unaware 70% of the time.
As a mother of a miscarried child, you find yourself wondering "what if" all the time. In the park you smile when you see a family, toddlers in tow, and you can't help but think to yourself "I wonder what we would have been like as a family? I wonder if we'll ever have a family." The thoughts are instinctual. They come without being provoked and you have no control over when they pop up. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
I was proud of myself, though. I was hopeful. And being hopeful allowed me to take these moments and think to myself, "it WILL happen, in time." I'd smile and move on with my day.
Twice that weekend the prospect of children was directed at me. Once in the bathroom by a mother who was helping her toddler wash her hands; "Oh, do you have children?" Nope and I exited the bathroom quicker than a mouse with a stolen piece of cheese.
Then again when we were hanging out with family and friends. We were discussing the size of our houses and how some needed more space because of a growing family. I jokingly chimed in:
"Well, we have 4 dogs and 3 cats in the house and I feel like we have plenty of room!"
"Well, you don't have any ki..."
I would have rather they finished the statement and just let the conversation move on. I know the thought and the words came spilling out faster than they could stop them, but stopping mid-sentence made the obvious even more obvious.
Yes. I had a miscarriage. No, I do not have any other kids and I understand you are trying to be sensitive, but handling me with kid gloves doesn't help. I have dealt with the loss...am dealing with the loss, but I am a big girl. I put big girl panties on everyday (so what if they have Hello Kitty on them, they were on clearance and part of being an adult is pinching those pennies!)
At some point, the reality is that life moves on and I know that I cannot dwell or feel jealously towards those who have children. Life can be miserable enough, I don't want to add to the baggage I already tote around. I have moved on. Not forgotten, but moved forward with where ever life decides to take me.
Please take the kid gloves off. I have put my Michael Jackson inspired white, rhinestone studded, adult glove back on and am ready to moon-walk right out of this chapter of my life.
Some photo fun from this weekend!