My life was never meant to be ordinary…or at least that's what I thought.
I remember telling my parents that I would never be one of those people who sat in a cubicle farm, from 8AM to 5PM, doing the same thing day in and day out; a work day drone if you will. I couldn't be one of those people…my mind is too creative; it yearns to be free and cages only make me restless and miserable.
Now, almost 30 years old, and a new mother, I've found myself looking in the review mirror and wondering where on gods' beautiful green earth did the last 10 years go? And how did I end up working the exact kind of job I swore I would never settle into?
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my husband and I couldn't be any prouder or excited to be a mother (especially to such an awesome little girl) but those are really the only two pieces of my life's puzzle that I'm truly content with. The rest have square edges whereas my puzzle is round.
I don't wake up in the morning excited to get to work. I don't feel the sense of joy I always thought my day to day life would bring me. Living a life where my passion not only gets to breathe and thrive, but it also supports my family, seems no more attainable than the Wicked Witch being the fairest lady in the land.
But I know it is. I've seen other people do it. So what's my problem?
Security. Comfort. Routine. SAFETY.
Monday thru Friday, 8 AM to 5 PM, is a guaranteed paycheck. My time in exchange for a deposit of funds into my checking account on a bi-weekly schedule that guarantees nourishment in my daughters' stomach and a warm, comfortable roof over her head. A means to pay back suffocating student loans and provide some simple pleasantries. SAFETY.
There's fear in stepping outside the norm to chase dreams that may never come to fruition, but what if I don't try and the life I always thought I'd have is just a "try" away. What if the life that allows my passion to sore and my bank account to remain positive, is just within a fingertips reach? I owe it to myself to try…don't I?
Here's the thing: I've thought about this on and off for years, but there's one factor in my life that has caused a tremendous change to not only the day to day going-ons of my existence, but to me as a person; my daughter. I now have the single most important reason to be the best person, the best mother I can be and that means not settling for comfort simply because it's safe.
How am I supposed to raise her to chase her dreams with vigor and thirst, if her own mother sat complacently just watching her life pass her by like a hungry lion watching a heard of antelope without catching dinner? That would make me a hypocrite…I don't want to be a hypocrite. I want her to be able to look at her mother and have the best example of determination and gumption right in front of her; even if that means I try and fail. Trying is better than "just getting by" or settling into a job, a life, that's mediocre because its the easiest thing to do.
We've all heard it, "if you set your mind to it, you can be anything you want to be." Well, I want to be a writer and I am going to chase that dream no matter the outcome. I'm reaching for the stars so my daughter knows how.
“A million words would not bring you back, I know because I’ve tried. Neither would a million tears, I know because I’ve cried.”
I am 1 in 4 and today is his birthday.
I am part of the 2% of women who experience late term miscarriage (13+ weeks gestation) and today is my due date.
No one understands why some women miscarry and others don’t. Some doctors even consider miscarriage part of the natural reproduction process as most miscarriages occur during the first trimester, sometimes even before the mother knows she’s pregnant. However, there are those of us who experience late term miscarriage. We’ve heard the pitter patter of a little drumming heart. Seen little legs and arms running a marathon. Bonded with the life growing inside of us. But one this is for certain; miscarriage, no matter when it happens, is devastating.
Even though we have a beautiful baby girl now, I will never forget our angel baby and the days that were supposed to be anniversaries will always stay with me. There will always be pain associated with the loss, for the life I had already planned for him. The “what ifs” and “could-have-beens” will likely continue to float into my mind, but it’s okay. I’ve come to accept that if we hadn’t gone through the loss of our child, we wouldn’t have been blessed with the birth of our daughter. We are lucky, very lucky. I know there are those who are still waiting.
So today instead of feeling sad, I am choosing to celebrate. Celebrate the little girl whose smiles light up my world. I’m choosing to be grateful to our angel baby for choosing his precious baby sister and sending her down to us. I’m choosing to remember him by cherishing every single moment I spend with Shelby. Every smile, every giggle, every diaper change and every feeding is a complete blessing.
We are lucky. We are blessed.
So this post might seem a bit bizarre coming from a new mom, especially a new mom that is completely head over heels in love with the little bundle I get to call my daughter, but I think it’s an important post and a different perspective on a popular and widely utilized sticker.
Recently, my little family and I stopped into Babies-R-Us for a shopping spree courteous of a gift card that was burning a hole in my pocket. While we were there we strolled down the car seat accessories aisle. You know the aisle, the one with things like mirrors that make the kiddos think mommy has eyes in the back of her head and strap cushions so when baby falls asleep they’re not drooling directly on the car seat buckle. This aisle is also home to the above pictured window decal and I’ll admit, I picked up this friendly little decal and thought about purchasing it. Than a thought occurred to me, “when did we start valuing a baby’s life as more important than a toddler, teenager, or any other person’s life?”
The sticker made its debut back in the 1980's and was sold under the pretense that seeing this decal in someones car would encourage motorists to be more mindful when driving, especially in the presence of a vehicle with such precious cargo. However, I’m pretty sure my mother would be just as upset if I was killed in a car accident at the ripe age of 28 as if I were killed in a wreck as a baby. I get that babies are innocents, they’re pure and completely helpless, but it just seems...silly to think someone may drive more cautiously after seeing this sign; as a responsible driver shouldn't we practice cautious driving at all times?
Some would argue the purpose of these stickers is to notify first-responders, in the event of an accident, that a child is involved, but the sticker would only be effective if parents removed the sticker when driving the car without their child(ren) and we all know that doesn't happen.
Needless to say, I didn't purchase the sticker. What do you think?