My mom texted all us kids asking what we wanted to do for Mother's day, "it's your day mom, what do YOU want to do?"
A few hours later I was getting ready for bed and the tears started flowing, fast and furious. I would have been a mother just in time for Mother's day this year.
I haven't created any new rivers or lakes lately, with tears spilled over my miscarriage, so I was a little caught off guard by the flood of emotions that had unexpectedly capsized my tiny life boat. Probably doesn't help that I just recently had my first menses cycle since I found out I was pregnant. Hormones, they're lovely.
Don't get me wrong, I may not be shedding many tears now and days, but I still think about it often. Every time I'm in the store and pass by an adorable baby outfit, or when friends post pictures of their little munchkins doing something silly or achieving a milestone. It feels more like a pin prick now rather than a knife to the jugular, but remembering, or rather realizing, that this Mother's day isn't what it could have been, well, it's saddening.
I don't know if suffering a miscarriage is something you ever get over. I know each of us experience loss in different ways and the fact that my miscarriage happened after the first trimester and was drawn out for 6 months, makes the "getting over it" process that much harder. My due date was May 5th and I just recently was cleared of all remaining tissue. My HCG level just recently dropped below 5. It was a long process that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Not only is it physically draining, but emotionally as well.
Thankfully, I am blessed with an amazing family and an even more amazing husband. Instead of creating a rift between the two of us, this experience has only brought us closer together. His encouragement and support has meant the world to me. He has never been brash or hurtful, never told me to "just let it go" or "get over it." He's never gotten angry at me for my unexpected mood swings or lashed out at me in frustration for my inability to give him a child. He's made this experience one that we've gone through together, a team effort. He's come to every appointment, even if it's just a check-up. Asked about test results and told me "it's okay" even when the news hasn't been good.
They say the first few years of marriage are the hardest. I agree, but not for the reasons some might expect. Moving from engaged to married didn't impact our relationship too much, but getting pregnant after trying for over a year only to lose the baby at 13 weeks, was one of the most difficult things we've experienced as a couple. Thankfully, we band together instead of against each other. If I had to go through this all over again, there isn't anyone else I would rather have by my side.
So, on this Mother's day I'll cherish my marriage and concentrate on the positive things in my life. I'm also going to make my angel baby a permanent piece of art that I'll carry everywhere with me. A tattoo to remember, to heal and to never forget what this experience has taught me. I'll shed more tears and I won't hold back my fears or sorrows. I'll embrace the experience and hope that one day we'll be blessed with another little angel that I'll love and cherish just that much more.
Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mothers out there.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, You Are A Badass was a GREAT book and I highly recommend giving it a try. I know many of you will read that and roll your eyes, "Ugh, self-help books are lame" is what you are probably thinking and normally I would agree. It's the one and only self-help book I have ever pick-up and the only one I have ever read, and it will likely be the only one I ever read.
About a year ago I started this blog hoping it would be a catalyst to writing more fluently and frequently which would in turn hopefully open a door to the career I have always wanted as a writer, but alas a year later and I find myself desk bound for eight hours a day. A cubicle drone, a robot in the ant farm of corporate America. Don't get me wrong, I do not despise my job. In fact, I enjoy my co-workers (for the most part) and I enjoy letting my creative juices flow by creating marketing pieces, but it certainly is not my ideal situation and marketing is most definitely not where my heart lies.
Since the cover of You Are A Badass floated across my Instagram feed, I have noticed specific quotes and phrases from the book float into my mind when I find myself thinking negatively or having icky thoughts about myself or a situation. You have to weather the storm to get to the sunshine and sometimes its a long, rainy, windy, snowy, brutal storm and being a Debbie Downer isn't going to make the sunshine break through the clouds any faster, in fact, it's likely to make the sky just a shade or two darker. Instead, put the rain-boots on, zip up your rain jacket, break out that rainbow umbrella and go splash through the puddles.
"When we arrive here we are perfect little bundles of joy and then set about the task of learning to un-love ourselves! How unbelievably ridiculous is that!"
The above quote is from You Are A Badass and it really resonated with me. Seriously. When we are born, until we are old enough to start understanding the thoughts and communicative patterns of others, we love ourselves. Sloppy pigtails, yogurt stain on our pants and chocolate smeared all over our face, but we were happy and giggling despite it all. We didn't care what the boy in the Osh B'Gosh overalls thought about our stained pants or the fact that it looked like there was smeared poop all over our face. The world was great and everything in it was wonderful. I can't tell you the exact day or time that I started finding faults within myself, but I can tell you from that moment on it became a game of second guessing every wardrobe choice, every interest I was potentially thinking about perusing and wondering what others really thought or what they said about me behind my back. What would the kids at school think? Would my parents be proud? Does this shirt make me look fat? Does this haircut make my face look even chubbier? Face it, we've all done it...do it, on a daily basis, but why?!
Also from "You Are A Badass"
"DO NOT WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME GIVING ONE SINGLE CRAP ABOUT WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS OF YOU."
"What other people think of you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them."
"You are responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for whether or not other people freak out about it."
I've always been a bit of an "ugly duckling." Not in the literal sense but rather socially. I tend to follow the flock, but from a distance and I'm not afraid to fly off in a completely different direction if I think the flock has lost it's marbles or been blown off course. I wasn't popular in High School, in fact, I was more of a recluse. It use to bother me, but the older I've gotten the more I've embraced my social qualms and the more comfortable I have gotten in my own skin. To say I don't care about what others think of me is silly, we all crave companionship and friendship, but the way we think about our interactions with others needs to change. You Are A Badass opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not in High School anymore. No one really cares what clothes I wear or that I rather read a book on a Friday night than go to a bar and get "shitfaced." More importantly, I really don't care what others think of me when I post pictures of my fur kids and rarely a picture of my human friends. I do what makes me happy and the things that make me happy generally make others around me happy because I'm an overall better person to be around.
The point of this rambling is to shine light on the idea that doing what makes us happiest my not be the most popular idea, but that doesn't matter. I've always wanted to be a writer. To live in the country, surrounded by land and tranquility. To barricade myself in my "writing den" and raise an income doing what I love. Messy bun, glasses on, tea in hand, an over-sized, finger knit quilt draped around my shoulders and the taping sound of the keyboard bleeding a beautiful story onto paper. *Sigh* Some may think the idea of being in the country is horrifying or the idea of writing a book for enjoyment is just silly and preposterous, but that's them and this is me.
My husband frequently jokes that we'll never retire if I don't get on that wagon and start writing. We've jokingly talked about what my pen name would be or if I'd have a "ghost name" so my potential popularity wouldn't affect our everyday life. Then we chuckle because who would know a famous author if they bumped into them on the streets (unless your J.K Rowling). The point is he's right. Well, kinda (don't let him know I said he's right...about anything, I'll never live it down). He's has taken to constantly teasing me, "you're reading again. Reading isn't writing and you're not any closer to a finished book than you were yesterday. Can you hurry up, I want to retire." So, yesterday I took a small step, but I think an important one, and bought the two books pictured in the image above; 300 Writing Prompts and Complete The Story. My goal is write a little bit each day and by writing each day maybe a fire will spark in the attic that is my writing brain and a best seller will sprout out my fingertips.
I'll never know if I could be a published author if I don't try. I'll never know if that house in the country is a possibility if I don't try. I intend to try. Regardless of how my writing will be received, I own it to myself to try and I think everyone owes it to themselves to pursue whatever passion makes their heart flutter just a little faster and makes their smile just that much brighter.
I like to think we live in a world filled with good people, always willing to help their neighbors whether metaphorically or literally.
Obviously, I am not naive enough to think bad people do not exist, in fact, most day I am positive there are more “bad” people than good, but that’s no way to live life. I’ll refer back to my review of “You Are A Badass;" when you put positive in, you’re more likely to get positive back.
With that being said, there is a particular Subway restaurant that I rarely patron, but each time I do I have a “human” experience. What I mean by a human experience is a situation that presents itself that I would hope it would just be common human decency to respond in a certain way. For example, the first time I ordered food from this particular Subway one of the other customers was a blind women accompanied by her Seeing Eye dog. Of course he wore a sign that read “please do not pet me, I am working.” She was having a difficult time finding & getting a drink. I gladly helped her while others just walked around her. While I was securing the lid to her cup a gentleman came to the counter to refill his drink and remark “I can’t believe she doesn’t let people pet her dog. It must be mean or she's just rude.” I stood; dumbfounded.
Isn't it common knowledge that working dogs are doing just that, working! I don't know about you, but I certainly do not want to be responsible for the injuries an epileptic person might suffer because I wanted to pet their dog. Distracting a working dog for just a few seconds is long enough to keep them from notifying their human that they need to sit because they are going to have a seizure. It has absolutely nothing to do with the dog being mean or the owner being rude.
Today I was in this same restaurant for the second time and had yet another human experience. The gentleman a few people ahead of me was wheelchair bound. He completed his order and headed over to the drink station. I finished getting lunch for myself and a co-worker and headed over to get our drinks. I was surprised to have been greeted by the gentleman in his wheelchair. The people ahead of me in line had completely ignored the fact that he could not reach the lids or straws. They gathered their drinks, secured their lids- which they has absolutely no problem reaching -and walked away.
Why are people SO oblivious to others around them! Why are some people so absorbed in themselves that they can’t help someone who needs just a little boost. It literally took me all of 10 seconds to get him a lid and straw. He was happy and I was on my way.
What happened to compassion, to kindness towards our fellow mankind? I just do not understand how you could see anyone struggling to do something as simple as put a lid on a cup and not want to extend a helping hand. If I were in a similar situation I would hope someone kind would find it within their heart to take a few SECONDS to help me.
So, I was clearly peeved as I got into my car to head back to work so I popped the radio on hoping a song like "happy" would stream through my cars speakers and cheer me up. Nope. No such luck. Instead I heard a women who was chosen to "open" up to 10 bag for the chance to win $10,000. Awesome! Maybe she'll win some big money and it'll make her day. On bag #3 she crashed, lost all the money she could have walked away with had she stopped at bag #1 or bag #2. What does she say? "Oh, that's gay."
WHAT?!?!?!?!?! I wanted to call and say "so, you're happy you lost? Because the term "gay" in the context in which you're using it would mean happy or delighted."
Stupid. Dumb. Disappointing. I can think of at least 10 other words that would be much more appropriate than the word "gay." I know not everyone shares the same views or opinions, but that is just not a phrase that should be used...ever, regardless of your personal views. It's about respect. Respect for other people. It doesn't matter the color of someones skin, the religion someone practices, the clothes someone wears, or the lifestyle they lead. We are all human and we all deserve some level of respect.
I am NOT a perfect person, not by a long shot, but I am proud that I at least have the compassion and ability to help those in need. It took less than 10 seconds out of my day to help that gentleman, but judging from the actions (or lack of actions) by others in the same situation, my small gesture might have made a big impact on his day and that makes me happy.
The world is a lot bigger than the circumference of the circle you can make with your arms. Open your eyes a little wider and be just a little bit bigger than the space you immediately fill. It could make someone's day.