I haven't been myself for several weeks now. I'm not sure if it's a combination of the weather & recent miscarriage, or if I'm just in one of those funks that seem to be a normal part of adulthood. It's been about a month since my second miscarriage & third D&C, & this time has been much harder than the first. Not physically, but mentally.
When I miscarried six years ago, before Shelby, I was naive. I didn't know what it felt like to rock my child to sleep or wipe their tears after they woke from a scary dream. I didn't know what it felt like to watch your child take their first steps, or hear them tell you they love you for the first time. This time, this second miscarriage, I know everything I am missing out on & it hurts that much more. I didn't think it was possible to feel more heart-broken, or disappointed than I did the first time around, but here I am. More broken. More disappointed.
Ursula, who was supposed to exit stage left for nine months, is standing center stage, singing loud & proud. She's just another reminder that things didn't work out how I thought they would. She's just another reminder that life goes on whether I'm ready to let go or not.
Most everyone knows postpartum depression can be a sneaky little bastard after birth, but what a lot of people don't realize is postpartum depression is a very real possibility after miscarriage as well. After all, your body knows you birthed a baby it doesn't care if it was 11weeks or 36weeks, the hormone fluctuations still occur. Research has shown that women who have suffered more than one miscarriage are at a higher risk for postpartum depression, having a healthy baby before, or after, does not diminish the risk.
I know there are those out there who will read this & think to themselves, "she wasn't even that far along. She needs to get over it," but for those who have, or are, going through a similar experience, I want you to know you are not alone & there is no shame in admitting there is something more going on than just grief.
Miscarriage is hard. It's hard physically. It's hard mentally, & it can be hard on family life, too. It's so much more than "just a mess on a napkin," so much more.