I was on one of my many Target runs when I found this cute t-shirt. The shirt was obviously on the wrong display rack, but I really liked it, so despite it being the wrong size I decided to give it a whirl in the fitting room.
Well, this was one impulse purchase Target would not be getting. Not today Target, not today.
I looked like a ghost white crayon dressed in a pink striped potato sack. Reluctantly, I put the shirt back on the rack and headed towards the baby food to get Shelby's formula.
I found an entire rack filled with the mysterious t-shirt; it had siblings! Now, remember, the shirt was TOO BIG when I tried it on. Now I found it in the GIRLS department. I ended up buying a medium and in a different color, but the sister shirt fits like a glove.
GIRLS! Who knew! Twenty-nine years old and wearing a girls size medium t-shirt.
To put my size into perspective, my waist measures 30" and I have a Jennifer Lopez butt, thighs to match. I'm 5'2" so most of my pants are dual purpose, serving as dust mops as well. Finding pants that fit is a lot like playing a game of roulette. If they fit the bum the equivalent of the Grand Canyon can be found between my back and the jeans.
Shirts, well that's a whole new ballgame. I measure 34DDD up top so the girls need space, but I like some shape. I don't want to look like a square or a pillowcase with boobs. Needless to say, I'm not a fan of shopping for clothes. Probably why I have such a love for sweatpants and hoodies.
This trip to Target has proven to me that size has become subjective rather than definitive. I used to get hung up on the letter that resided on the tag of my clothes, but as I've gotten older I've learned that size doesn't matter; it can't matter. You may be a size "S" in one brand, but an "XL" in another. Different materials will lay differently on different body types, and clothing manufactures clearly do not use a universal sizing chart to begin with.
Then there's the fact that not all of us want our clothes to fit like a sausage link stuffed inside its jacket. In fact, I often find myself sizing up simply because I like to have room to breathe in my clothing. I don't like feeling suffocate by the fabric I'm wearing.
I may not have my ideal body, especially since I recently had a baby, but whether a shirt is a size "S" or "XL" I should care more about how I FEEL in what I'm wearing than what the tag says. We all should. I might even start cutting the size tags off my clothing!!!
As a writer, I've lost my way.
I thought I had a plan. I was going to finish this book by the close of 2017 and finally accomplish a goal I've had for YEARS. That certainly did NOT happen. In fact, I write less now than I ever have.
I know I should cut myself some slack, I did have a baby this year, and I started a new job that required me to study up on dental jargon. In the mist of all that the writer in me slithered into the background and I'm just not sure how to call it back to the forefront.
Will the writer in me please stand up?! Please...
I was under the delusion that maternity leave would provide an abundance of "free" time to spend knocking out my book. Between taking care of a newborn with colic, adjusting to life as a new mom, and recuperating physically and mentally from pregnancy and labor; there AIN'T no time for anything else!
So many moms talk about losing themselves after having kids, I always told myself I wouldn't let that happen. It's a lot easier than you think, to slide into the routine of every day mommyhood. At this point, I call it a good day if I get to take a shower alone or go to the bathroom without a toddler in tow who points at everything and anything that catches her eye including the pattern on my undies.
My life has changed SO much since bringing my little miracle baby home, and as much as I love and cherish the time we have together (I wouldn't give it up for the world) I do harbor some resentment towards my husband. Other than having a daughter to come home to, and having to occasionally give up a few hours of "me" time to watch her, his life hasn't changed in the least. He still does everything he did before she was born and he still has ample "me" time.
In fairness, I could ask my mom or my aunt to watch her for a few hours on one of my days off, but I don't feel right having them watch her more than they already do while we are at work. I joked with my husband that people should have to sit their families down and have a discussion about whether or not to have kids, because, let's face it, without my mom and aunt, we wouldn't be able to afford to have a kid. The daycare costs alone would make working, for at least one of us, a complete waste of time. The point is, we decided to have a baby, and with her birth came the need to make sacrifices including giving up "me" time; maybe not ALL the time, but most of the time.
Having said all that, the book I had started earlier this year, I deleted it. I was several chapters in, but the progress made was sloppy, and half-hearted since I can never find the time to really focus. There has never been an optimal time to focus on achieving my writing goals, and right now I am just struggling to find time to write anything at all.
As a writer, I may have lost my way, but I have grown immensely as a mother. I just need to find a balance. Somehow, some way.