They say a watched pot never boils I think the same philosophy can be applied to my HCG levels. I had hoped to start 2016 with a clean slate, able to pee on a pregnancy test with a negative result. Sadly, the big man upstairs had different plans.
I am still going for weekly blood draws and though my levels are dropping they are dropping at the same rate grass, without water or sunshine, grows. I have described this lingering miscarriage as the ghost of pregnancy past. Just when I think we’ve moved on to whatever comes next, the chains of this pregnancy can be heard clambering down the hall.
I have moved from angry to frustrated and now I am just numb or, maybe, I have just learned to accept the situation for what it is. I have done everything I have been asked, taken all I was directed to take and now all I can do is accept the things I cannot change.
If only it were that easy.
Thankfully, Tim and are surrounded by an amazing support system of family and friends. The well wishes and outpouring of positive vibes and happy thoughts has truly been a blessing. I've even been surprised by the old "new" friendships that have been forged through the bond of sharing similar experiences. It just makes me appreciate the sayings "everything happens for a reason," and "even in bad situations there is always good, even if you can't see it yet," just that much more.
One of those hidden blessings is a little orange kitten we call Pumpkin. We had hoped our nursery would be filled with the coos and laughter of a baby Finken but instead it has been filled with the purrs and snuggles of a wee little kitten. A wee little kitten we would have never adopted had I still been pregnant.
It might seem silly to some but Pumpkin is EXACTLY what I needed to help me heal. The distractions of such a small little somebody who needed fleas baths, formula feedings and constant attention was the perfect diversion from everything else. I may not know the love of a human child but I most certainly know the love I feel when I snuggle this little fur baby. They say animals have great healing power, I knew this before and I believe it more now than ever.
So while the ghost of pregnancy past continues to haunt me, I will find solace in the fact that everything DOES happen for a reason and things WILL work out however they were meant to be. One day at a time.