It’s easy to say ‘always’ but not as easy to truly mean it.
I’ve always been the black crayon among the array of other colors in the box. Sometimes, I think I’ve found someone who’s a shade of brown or even gray, but two mucky colored crayons can’t draw a rainbow.
On paper I can be witty and sarcastic, outgoing and entertaining but toss me into a group of physical, touchable persons and I become the tin man without any oil. My movements are squeaky and mechanical and my mouth hinges rusted close.
I’m an introvert.
It’s easier for me to scribble down the ins and outs of my life on paper, but to truly open up and let someone in is extremely difficult. It’s the reason why I have done it so few times in my 27 years. It’s also the reason why each time one of those friendships has come unraveled (and they always do) a piece of me coils back and sinks further into hibernation.
In high school I was quiet and, naturally, I had resting bitch face so I wasn’t really the approachable type, not to mention I had a very protective and rather intimidating looking boyfriend. If you were looking for me you weren’t going to find me at any parties or hanging out at the local hot spot. I was, and still am, a nerd. Give me a book, pencil and paper or even a box of crafting supplies and leave me to my vices.
However, as I’ve gotten older I have become more comfortable in my skin. I’m more accepting of myself and all the quirks that come with being me. I’ve even been fortunate enough to find a handful of people, including my husband, who embrace my social awkwardness. But, if we’re being totally honest, I’d have to admit that there are VERY few people who I have felt completely and totally comfortable around and recently I had to let go of one of those friendships.
Life is a funny little brat sometimes. It brings people into your journey when you least expect and takes them away with the breeze of an unexpected, backhanded slap to the face.
I’ve learned that letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring, it means you can’t care enough for both people so you let the other flutter away.
We’ve all heard it before, relationships are hard. It doesn’t matter if they are romantic or friendly in nature. They all require work and commitment. Over the last week I've come to the realization that letting go doesn't mean nagging, blaming or arguing with the other person. It means letting go of the things I cannot control and searching for and correcting my own shortcomings. Letting go is not about regretting the past but rather it's about learning to grow and live for the future. By letting go you allow everything to fall into place, like taking that one book off the shelf that never really quite fit in anyways. The other books shuffle over just a hare and the shelf just seems a bit less stuffy, more relaxed and the spines of the remaining books are less compacted and easier to view.
I guess the point of this post is to share that while we are sometimes hurt by the people we hold the closest and often times out of know where, sometimes you have to move on without certain people. If they are meant to be in your life, they will catch up and if they're not, you always have the memories. Letting go takes love and the time to love is short.
Maybe one day someone will make a mistake and put two black crayons in the same box.